rant.II

I'm too emotional. That just might be the death of my sanity. Or yours, whoever yields first.

I feel like I'm harboring too much emotions, so much that it might overwhelm me... and maybe you too. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm light years away from knowing you, but I am afraid of the fact that I'm light years away from knowing you. Maybe it's because I don't know how to react to certain things that you do... or don't do. You're different; you do things your own way, you live in your own world with its own set of rules and that's really cool. I just feel like a total stranger at times, aimlessly wandering in unnecessary (and imagined) doubt. So I might come up with conclusions or interpretations that aren't true. I can get so physically close to you, but whenever you look away, it feels like we're dimensions apart. You're a philosophy that I can't comprehend, an enigma that is seemingly impossible to grasp. 

Maybe I'm just impatient. We're only two months old and we have, hell, possibly two decades ahead of us for all I know to discover all three of you. I want to make you happy the way you make me happy. And you don't even have to try, which is the ridiculous thing because I'm afraid I'm boring you out. I'm too easily contented with the simple things, but I think you're looking for more. You seemed restless sometimes and it kills me to think that you were expecting more from me whatever it is that I may or may not have failed to deliver. So now I'm trying. Trying to wiggle my way into your heart and stay in there for as long as I can. Trying to be on par with you. I hate the feeling that's somewhat akin to disappointment or being let down at the end of the day because I don't think I'm good enough for you. 

The problem is, I don't know. I can't tell. I can't tell if I'm doing the right thing or not because of the silence. I'm not with a space of molecules randomly colliding with each other, I'm with a person... whose sentience might be a bit lacking, as Chris indirectly pointed out (that doesn't really sound any better than air, lol). I need a response to work with, to help me qualm the doubts, the insecurities. I suppose 'When You Say Nothing At All' isn't cut out for our theme song. That's the whole point behind this rant, I guess.

RE;start

I love your smell.

I’ve always been like this; scents have always been my thing.

My memory keeps, you see. So I always envision everyone else in my head, even if I only want to see you. Events, things that built up to the moment in which I stand… and I hate a lot of it. The people too. Some. I wish there was a recycle bin, reformat button, Liquid Paper, that funky machine that erases a person from someone’s memory in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

But yeah, smells. They’re there when you’re there. Or when a fragment of your life stained in your smell is there. Like your towel. So I sniff it once in a while. I hope I’m not putting you off or anything, but one can’t remember smells unless they smell that smell. And to me, a smell is the closest thing to the tangible.

I don't think I like this feeling of dependency, but it's proof, I guess. Like the way my heart beats when we're together. 

Fuck, I'm sprouting love cliches.

See what you do to me?

You'd better be going through something like this so I won't feel too much like an idiot.

.

On a not-really-unrelated note: I feel like bursting into tears right now. God, I hate PMS. I wanted to sit on the swing so badly tonight, but school bus drivers were hanging around the park and I was afraid they'd rape me in the bus and no one would hear me scream through the engine.